I wonder if I actually meant anything, she always wanted and tried to salvage the relationship with her ex, even before they started dating and she turned him down she was always working to stay friends or be ok.
When I told her of my feelings, she was pretty much done with me, no trying to talk through it and come to an understanding, just, done. I was the one always trying to salvage things, and she just wanted to blow it off and be "normal".
If she wanted to talk to me she would. She said she missed my company, and friendship, and that she adored me as only a friend. But I have yet to see ways in which she actually proved it. Sure online we always talked, we could talk about anything and everything. But when things got "real" as in real life, she never really wanted to meet and talk, or hang out (even before I told her my feelings, there was always an excuse), or even talk on the phone. She said it would be awkward. Fuck that. If she really did care about our relationship she would fight through the awkward, like she did with him. I am certain she just didnt want to deal with it, it was easier to just quit and be done with me. That is why I will always be jealous of him, even now she would be willing to work things out with him if he was up for it. But with me? right, im lucky to get an email.
Actions speak louder than words, she knows where I am and how to contact me, she has had two years to get to know me and the things I like. She has had her chance to prove that we are actually more than just online friends. But she has turned it down, again and again because real life is too awkward for her, and I am not worth an uncomfortable situation.
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
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