I used to be a nice guy, used to... Every time a girl crushed me I always managed to keep hoping and holding on, trying to improve myself. But after this last time I have been sliding, quitting... Im not changing terribly, I'm still me, but im starting to become more of a cynic, and a pessimist in my thought process. And the thing that disturbs me the most is that, I don't care that I think this way, it doesnt bug me, in feels like I have had enough heartache to justify and be ok with those thoughts that they are right. I see relationships now and laugh, and think "They will be divorced in 3 years" or "One of them is just waiting for a chance to break the other one's heart" or "It is all fake"
I feel like my life is now just black and white. When you lose hope you lose a lot of other things too like joy and sense of time. Everything becomes monotonous and grind. The little moments that make life enjoyable disappear. You think about how things got to be the way they are and you realize that it is all your fault.
My mom was telling me about a guy friend she had at one of her jobs who she thought was "safe" because they were very different. She said he ruined their friendship by asking her out. Sounds a lot like what I did. I just have to remember that I made a decision before hand, that if she said yes it would be worth it. And I knew that the possibility of "No" was out there, but I wanted to risk it for more. I've always had bad luck when it comes to gambling. :\
I look back now and re-read the talks online (grrr) that we had and things are clearer now as well as too damn depressing. Ive lost hope, the will to change and improve, faith in the future. I am tired of opening myself up and getting stabbed with a rusty knife every time. I can't trust people anymore, I have to realize that I mean everything to nothing.
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