Real life is too awkward.

I wonder if I actually meant anything, she always wanted and tried to salvage the relationship with her ex, even before they started dating and she turned him down she was always working to stay friends or be ok.

When I told her of my feelings, she was pretty much done with me, no trying to talk through it and come to an understanding, just, done. I was the one always trying to salvage things, and she just wanted to blow it off and be "normal".

If she wanted to talk to me she would. She said she missed my company, and friendship, and that she adored me as only a friend. But I have yet to see ways in which she actually proved it. Sure online we always talked, we could talk about anything and everything. But when things got "real" as in real life, she never really wanted to meet and talk, or hang out (even before I told her my feelings, there was always an excuse), or even talk on the phone. She said it would be awkward. Fuck that. If she really did care about our relationship she would fight through the awkward, like she did with him. I am certain she just didnt want to deal with it, it was easier to just quit and be done with me. That is why I will always be jealous of him, even now she would be willing to work things out with him if he was up for it. But with me? right, im lucky to get an email.

Actions speak louder than words, she knows where I am and how to contact me, she has had two years to get to know me and the things I like. She has had her chance to prove that we are actually more than just online friends. But she has turned it down, again and again because real life is too awkward for her, and I am not worth an uncomfortable situation.

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Mean Everything To Nothing.

I used to be a nice guy, used to... Every time a girl crushed me I always managed to keep hoping and holding on, trying to improve myself. But after this last time I have been sliding, quitting... Im not changing terribly, I'm still me, but im starting to become more of a cynic, and a pessimist in my thought process. And the thing that disturbs me the most is that, I don't care that I think this way, it doesnt bug me, in feels like I have had enough heartache to justify and be ok with those thoughts that they are right. I see relationships now and laugh, and think "They will be divorced in 3 years" or "One of them is just waiting for a chance to break the other one's heart" or "It is all fake"

I feel like my life is now just black and white. When you lose hope you lose a lot of other things too like joy and sense of time. Everything becomes monotonous and grind. The little moments that make life enjoyable disappear. You think about how things got to be the way they are and you realize that it is all your fault.

My mom was telling me about a guy friend she had at one of her jobs who she thought was "safe" because they were very different. She said he ruined their friendship by asking her out. Sounds a lot like what I did. I just have to remember that I made a decision before hand, that if she said yes it would be worth it. And I knew that the possibility of "No" was out there, but I wanted to risk it for more. I've always had bad luck when it comes to gambling. :\

I look back now and re-read the talks online (grrr) that we had and things are clearer now as well as too damn depressing. Ive lost hope, the will to change and improve, faith in the future. I am tired of opening myself up and getting stabbed with a rusty knife every time. I can't trust people anymore, I have to realize that I mean everything to nothing.

Giving up slowly.

It sucks seeing the people you love the most going through tough times and wanting to be there for them, but not being able to.

It makes me want to quit, just give up. Her sadness makes me sad. I wish I could hold her and tell her things will get better, then take her out for ice cream to cheer her up. I like her smile, I like seeing her laugh. But things are too awkward now, she told me she doesnt want that kind of relationship.

As I sit here talking with the few real friends I have left, telling them my story they tell me "She is an idiot for not liking someone as amazing as you" Deja Vu huh? I tell them she said the exact same thing before I really liked her, when I was turned down by another girl.

I want to give her so much more than what we had as friends.

Just friends is a sad place... Just friendLY is an even worse one. Not being able to comfort the ones I care about is excruciating. A friend told me that she is probably just ready to be done with me and our friendship, and everything about me. I have caused too much drama, and pain, and I am probably just getting annoying.

I would say I am more of a mix between annoying and sappy...

"And as the light fades from my eyes, I smile, but don't know why" -Black Dirt, Sea Wolf

Normal

When someone says they want things to be normal, make sure you clarify what that means... Normal to one person is not the same normal to another person.

The more I see the world the more I realize that everything is relative. We all define and see the world our own way.

Did you know that even time is relative? Time moves faster in Antarctica than it does in England, time is relative to where you are in space. But time is also relative to every individual person, an hour in a boring class feels like an eternity, a week waiting to hear from someone you love spending time with seems like months. But when you are enjoying yourself "time" goes by faster than you can imagine. When you can sit down at starbucks with a friend and talk for what seems like an hour or two and look at your watch and see you have been there four or five hours.

I wish I could experience those awesome moments when I am enjoying myself at a slower pace and have more "time" to absorb it all.

I think there are two kinds of time... The standard space/time and it's relativity, and also an emotional time, specific to everyone.

Anyway, just something stupid.

It doesn't matter.


Sorry, I got off on some random thoughts... Anyway, normal is relative.

Captain's Blog, Stardate 7/2010

Blog...


What a nasty sounding word, to loosely quote Yahtzee "It sounds like a creature that lives in the much at the bottom of a nasty river"

I dont like blogs, I dont read blogs, blogs...

So I am not going to call this a blog, this is going to be an online journal. I am a piss poor journal keeper with pen and paper, probably because I write so freaking hard my hands hurt.

I don't care about subscribers, or online friendships. Everything online is fake, and not worth my time. If you want to follow great, but I probably wont read your blog you attention craving whore. YOU WILL NOT BECOME INTERNET FAMOUS, so don't try. In order to become famous you have to be unique, but you're not, you are the all singing all dancing crap of the world, not a special flower, and neither am I.

Today was a bad day, a Tuesday, in fact, almost every day for the past few months has been a bad day. I don't feel much of anything, no emotion anymore. I am tired. I quit.

I heard a saying today.

"You always ignore the ones who adore you, and adore the ones who ignore you"

That is pretty true... but it needs something else

"You always ignore the ones who adore you (because you think they are ugly), and adore the ones who ignore you (because they think you are ugly)."

Think about it, it really is true, if they were good looking then you probably wouldnt ignore them.

Fuck personality, fuck if they are sweet, nice, kind, caring, giving, loving, considerate, and would generally do anything you asked them, and the best thing that ever entered your life, if the person looks like Quasi Moto or however you spell is name then there is no chance in Hell you would date them. Disney lied to us. Bastards. Although some of those Pixar films were good, I liked the Incredibles.


Anyway, thats it for today, I hope anyone who reads this has a reality check. Online anything is fake, you want to find out who your true friends are? Delete your twitter, your facebook, your myspace and see who calls and asks you to hang out, in person, or at least skype if there is a distance issue.