When it's over, is it really over?

I have thought it was over so many times, but she was always willing to talk or hear me out... but I asked if she would like to talk a walk and talk today, and she said "no" She had had it with me, she was done.

I only wanted to thank her for her kindness and tell her that I didn't deserve it.

And instead she gave me what I deserved, she had had enough and did not want to see me again. And it hurt, she even still texts her ex boyfriend who openly admits to being passive aggressive toward her in conversation.

Win a date with fucking Tad Hamilton my ass.

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I woke up...

...and wished that I was dead.

I pray every day that I won't survive the events the week has to offer.

Maybe I will get hit by a truck, or choke on a chicken bone, or have a piano fall on my head.

I wish that I had hit that jetski harder.

I salute those brave souls who are able to end their lives themselves, that takes a lot of guts.

I don't know what to do to get over her anymore... I have tried asking other girls out (only to be rejected of course). I've tried not thinking about it, I've tried talking about it.

Every day is just coping, praying for death while trying to get by with as little pain as possible.

I don't care about much anymore... I can't even sit down and watch a movie all the way through.

I never wanted to be this way, I was always at least, mostly happy. I wasnt even this miserable after Rebekah's rejection. So there are two conclusions I can come up with... Either I really did Love her, or her rejection just broke me.

It has been almost six months, and I am still not close to being better. Thoughts of her drift into my head, and when I think about her giving other guy's chances, I feel like the only thing I can do is tear myself out of my skin, and I feel such incredible pain... everywhere.

When I ask other girls if they would ever even consider going out with a guy they considered as a friend they all say "yes". One even said she gave a guy she only thought of as a friend a chance and they dated for two years... They ended up breaking up, but still remained good friends.

I don't know anymore, losing hope sucks. Realizing that he is a better man than me, sucks... I mean, he must be right? she gave him a shot but not me.... I have cried more these past few months than I have in the past three years.

I feel like my time here on earth is done, and I am just waiting for God to remember he was supposed to kill me off awhile ago and just forgot.

I tried again

After suffering a concussion the other day, I was drugged up and sent her a message saying i Loved her.

She shot me down again, and said she was honored that I thought of her, but that her answer hasnt changed.

Why give him a chance but not me?

He must be a better person than I am, or I am just repulsive.

FML...

Schmexy Appeal

One of the major factors a person uses to decide if they could date someone else is the other person's sex appeal. It all makes sense now, I must be an ugly fucker. But sex appeal isnt just about looks, but since I let myself be "just a friend" I lost any chance of verbal sex appeal. So those two mistakes combined fucked me over... and will probably keep fucking me over, and over and over. Just like what's his face in shawshank redemption.

It wasn't worth it....

I talked with the guy who she dated the other day... I was drunk, we were hanging with a mutual friend... I don't remember much of that night, but I do remember talking about her with him... and telling him how much she liked him, and how I was nothing to her. I remember saying "At least you got to hold her hand" and his reply? "It wasn't worth it"

Everything I wanted to experience with her HE got, and at the end of it all, the whole experience wasnt worth it to him. How can she say she loved him? She does not know what love is! Misguided by the lies society tells us.

"How bout this one? With all the pretty hearts on the front, I think I know where this ones going. Yup "Happy Valentines Day sweetheart, I love you." Isn't that sweet? Ain't love grand? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card Mr. Vance, I'd eat it. It's these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don't mean anything. Sorry, I'm sorry, I um, I quit. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help" -500 days of Summer

She did not experience love for him, she experienced infatuation, she became attached to him because she gave so much of herself to him, she did not keep a level rational head, but instead let her emotions run wild. And in the end, when it is all said and done, he didn't think she was worth the time he spent on her.


Life is not fair, im fine with that... but I would like to win, once. But it seems I am destined to forever be, a lamp.

Real life is too awkward.

I wonder if I actually meant anything, she always wanted and tried to salvage the relationship with her ex, even before they started dating and she turned him down she was always working to stay friends or be ok.

When I told her of my feelings, she was pretty much done with me, no trying to talk through it and come to an understanding, just, done. I was the one always trying to salvage things, and she just wanted to blow it off and be "normal".

If she wanted to talk to me she would. She said she missed my company, and friendship, and that she adored me as only a friend. But I have yet to see ways in which she actually proved it. Sure online we always talked, we could talk about anything and everything. But when things got "real" as in real life, she never really wanted to meet and talk, or hang out (even before I told her my feelings, there was always an excuse), or even talk on the phone. She said it would be awkward. Fuck that. If she really did care about our relationship she would fight through the awkward, like she did with him. I am certain she just didnt want to deal with it, it was easier to just quit and be done with me. That is why I will always be jealous of him, even now she would be willing to work things out with him if he was up for it. But with me? right, im lucky to get an email.

Actions speak louder than words, she knows where I am and how to contact me, she has had two years to get to know me and the things I like. She has had her chance to prove that we are actually more than just online friends. But she has turned it down, again and again because real life is too awkward for her, and I am not worth an uncomfortable situation.

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Mean Everything To Nothing.

I used to be a nice guy, used to... Every time a girl crushed me I always managed to keep hoping and holding on, trying to improve myself. But after this last time I have been sliding, quitting... Im not changing terribly, I'm still me, but im starting to become more of a cynic, and a pessimist in my thought process. And the thing that disturbs me the most is that, I don't care that I think this way, it doesnt bug me, in feels like I have had enough heartache to justify and be ok with those thoughts that they are right. I see relationships now and laugh, and think "They will be divorced in 3 years" or "One of them is just waiting for a chance to break the other one's heart" or "It is all fake"

I feel like my life is now just black and white. When you lose hope you lose a lot of other things too like joy and sense of time. Everything becomes monotonous and grind. The little moments that make life enjoyable disappear. You think about how things got to be the way they are and you realize that it is all your fault.

My mom was telling me about a guy friend she had at one of her jobs who she thought was "safe" because they were very different. She said he ruined their friendship by asking her out. Sounds a lot like what I did. I just have to remember that I made a decision before hand, that if she said yes it would be worth it. And I knew that the possibility of "No" was out there, but I wanted to risk it for more. I've always had bad luck when it comes to gambling. :\

I look back now and re-read the talks online (grrr) that we had and things are clearer now as well as too damn depressing. Ive lost hope, the will to change and improve, faith in the future. I am tired of opening myself up and getting stabbed with a rusty knife every time. I can't trust people anymore, I have to realize that I mean everything to nothing.